Viva La Viva

That big book on your shelf that only comes down to settle an argument now and then, written by that Webster fellow, defines the word "epiphany" as “a sudden intuitive leap of understanding, especially through an ordinary but striking occurrence.” The word is generally associated with some sort of religious or spiritual revelation or enlightenment. It’s a very fancy word describing very heady stuff. I need a word like that, but if “epiphany” is a $3,000 suit, I need a good pair of jeans. Just something less fancy and dramatic.

You see, there are times when you discover something (a product, an idea, a word, an activity, etc.) that is just so good, you find yourself thinking, “where has this been all my life?” Now if that thing is reading the Gospels for the first time, you might call that an epiphany. But if that thing is a blue-tooth head-set for your celly (one of my least favorite slang terms …that could be a whole blog right there where we could discus “the O.C”, pronouncing the word “tight” with two syllables, but I digress), calling that an epiphany seems a bit melodramatic at best.

So what should we call this blue-collar version of sudden enlightenment? Here’s what I’m calling it: a “Viva.” It has various uses and advantages. One, it’s already a word you know so there is a certain comfort with it. Two, it can be used in at least the following ways:

1. “When I discovered Tivo it was a total ‘viva,’ I can’t imagine how I watched tv without it.”

2. When at AT&T Park watching the Giants, you try garlic fries for the first time and declare: “Viva!!!! Garlic on the fries!! Brilliant!

Even if that never catches on as a new use for an old word or expression or whatever, I have had a viva recently when my lovely and brilliant wife discovered Viva paper towels. You might think “wow, this Stump dude has hit an all new low blogging about paper towels, but that’s only because you have yet to have this viva for yourself…or because I’m insane…no, it’s the first one.

Viva paper towels are softer to the touch than face tissue, are more absorbent than many sponges and are sturdy enough to carry a full grown house cat being ridden like a horse by a two year old boy. Ok, maybe not that last part, but they are strong. Even when they are wet, they don’t just dissolve, they hold their strength. You can clean up the kind of ugly spill that can only result from your 5 year old “making” you waffles unsupervised, rub them hard against rib stains in the carpet fast enough to get them out before your wife gets home, and still be soft enough to make blowing your nose a true pleasure. In fact, now I try to blow my nose two or three times a day whether it needs it or not.

Maybe you have been lucky enough to find this wunderproduct on your own. Maybe this is old news to you, but to me it’s a beautiful viva and I must revel in it and share it with everyone I know (as an aside, people riding public transportation don’t care to hear about paper towel no matter how excited you are about it and this could lead to fisticuffs so be warned). Other paper towels are mostly too hard to go anywhere near your face without leaving deep cuts and scars, don’t really absorb that well and…

(Tangent Alert, Tangent Alert)

Speaking of things that don’t absorb properly, what is the deal with cloth napkins at fancy restaurants? Why have they all been made out of some futuristic water-resistant super fiber and then coated with polyurethane? Isn’t the point of a napkin to assist in the face/hand clean up process during and after a meal and absorb anything spilled on one’s clothing? Wouldn’t it then follow that it should be absorbent? Instead, you go to a nice restaurant, place your stiff as a board napkin on your lap, leave a bit of sauce on the outside of your mouth, go to dab it gently with your napkin only to dislodge said sauce from your face sending it down to your tie when your napkin fibers stubbornly refuse entry to the sauce molecules and merely sweep them off your face as if you have tried to clean up by using a common broom. It scratches your face, it absorbs nothing and yet still I’m required to keep it on my lap or I’m a “barbarian.” What is the point of that exactly?

And heaven forbid your young children spill their drink on the table. Placing your napkin firmly on the spill will simply displace the liquid from the table to your lap while your napkin remains completely dry. It is a marvel, but a useless one. I find that just about any cloth my clothing is made out of to be more absorbent and more pleasant to the touch than cloth napkins at nice restaurants and that includes the rubber sole of my shoe. Most of our meals out begin with “do you have any paper napkins?…soon I will just bring my own Viva.

(Now, where were we…)

…they immediately disintegrates when they touch liquid, which isn’t that useful if your goal is anything other than sprinkling little white fluffs of wet paper product around every flat surface of your home.

Meanwhile Viva does it all. It can be your kleenex, your hanky, your napkin, probably even your bath towel if you have that kind of time. I have strictly forbidden all other paper towel from entrance into StumpTown manor and suggest you do the same. I don’t care what it costs. I will gladly give up heating my house to make sure we can afford Viva. Whatever it takes, you have to get this paper towel. You will wonder how or why you ever lived without it and may very well declare: “Viva!! That was the best face wipe I’ve had in years.”

Viva la Viva!!