StumpTown's World Famous Food Rules
The appetite is a funny thing. When we get hungry, we tend to lose our senses and do things no sane or rational person would do. This is how the first Kiwi was eaten as well as how we discovered that the roots of certain plants were actually better than the leaves. Of course it is also what got Jacob in trouble with his brother Esau and what leads to thousands of ruined meals every day. After making up some research, it showed that 1 in 3 people have culinary regret within moments after their food is prepared or served. As a public service, I am offering my “World Famous Food Rules.”
These rules are not here to limit your creativity, but to help you in moments where the flesh is so willing that the mind is weak. When your growling stomach begins to get the better of you, remember these simple rules. This not the complete list by any means and as further research is manufactured, more rules may result and will be posted here. I also invite you to submit your own suggested additions to the list at which point I will politely reject them and then use them in a later post without giving you credit.
Enjoy.
1. The picture test – This one really kicked off the food rules. If a restaurant can’t make a food item look good in a picture, do not order it. If, with the help of foam, plastic, paint and digital effects they can’t make their turkey sandwich look like the best thing you’ve ever tasted, then stay away. Food will never look better in real life than in the picture. The same is true by the way for models and actresses, but that’s for another blog.
2. The best delis – Because the sandwich is nature’s perfect food, it is important for you to locate a good deli or two near wherever you live. Here are some things to look for when trying to find one.
a. The best delis are always the ones that write their menu on a giant chalkboard. I’m not sure why this is, but it is consistently true. Find the chalkboard and you will find a good sandwich.
b. The more bread options for your sandwich, the better the sandwich will be no matter which bread you choose.
c. Watch for folded meats. Sandwich meat should be thin and folded (with one exception for places that cook whole turkeys and carve the meat off fresh…mmmmm….yummy). The folding of the meat adds some good fluffiness to the sandwich and takes away from that sense that it is just one thick dense slab of meat. Good delis fold their meat.
d. Quiznos is better than Subway, but neither are good delis. I will not argue about this.
e. Ideally, the person making your sandwich will have a northeast accent. I’m not sure why that helps, but it does. Also, people born outside of the United States and Italy, while they may be wonderful people with many good talents, can not make good deli sandwiches.
f. Never, and I can not stress this enough, by a pre-made sandwich in one of those plastic boxes or plastic wrap, even at the airport where they swear to you they just made them today when you know full well they were made in a sweat shop in Taiwan without folding the meat. Frankly, I’m disappointed I even had to tell you that.
3. “World Famous” – The term “world famous” is often attached to a menu item. There are two things you should know about this. First, no one outside of the neighborhood where the restaurant is located has ever heard of their chili or clam chowder. Second, the “house special” rule (described below) may come into play here and still make that a good menu choice.
4. The House Special – When you are dining out, order the house special whenever it is a food item that you like, especially if the food is named after the owner of the restaurant. Listen, if they think that’s what they do best, who are you to argue? Sure you can get the burger when the specialty of the house is pot roast, but chances are the pot roast will be much better. You can get a burger anywhere. If you are at Jim’s Place, by all means get “Jim’s secret recipe special pot roast” especially if it says “it’s our specialty.”
5. Don’t reach for fish – A very wise Chinese Alaskan taxi driver once told me “Bad fish mess you up. I sick for days.” The lesson: fish is dangerous. It is my favorite type of food, but please be careful. Do not order fish in a restaurant that is not very very clean, unless it only seems unclean because of an overwhelming fish smell. Never order fish off a cart unless you are right next to the body of water where the fish came from. Avoid fish in cheap restaurants (exception for Taco Del Mar “fish like substance” tacos, which are really quite tasty), you only want it prepared by people who really care about their jobs. A subset of the below rule on going out of bounds, is you shouldn’t order fish in a restaurant that doesn’t really do fish. For example, if you are at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles, and they happen to have a single fish item on the menu, do not order it. Don’t get the fish and chips at a burger joint. You get the idea. Finally, you’re better off ordering something that could have come form some place local, so while Seattle is a fine place to order fish, Wyoming is questionable.
6. Don’t go out of bounds – Think of yourself as a coach and each restaurant is a new team of players. You have a system you like to run, but a good coach works to his player’s strengths and works with what he has. Maybe you’re a beef guy, but if you find yourself at Barney’s Chicken Shack, don’t skip the 27 chicken items and order the token beef offering. Get Chicken, especially if you can find something called Barney’s original chicken. They almost never improve on the original. Also, don’t order Chinese food at Jack in the Box. If a place obviously favors one genre of food, do not go outside that genre.
7. The buffet rules (these are just a few)
a. Fillers – avoid breads and starches. They are just cheap fillers. Keep your focus and go right for the meat items. A common rookie mistake is to start with a salad, get wowed by the tremendous salad bar and then fill up on rabbit food. Save the salad for the second course to avoid this common mistake.
b. Fish – see the above rules and use extra caution at a buffet.
c. Drinks – Go for the juices. Juice is usually so expensive, it will help you feel like you got your money’s worth.
8. The parking lot – If you’re trying a new place out and the parking lot is empty and seems to always be empty assume everyone else knows something you don’t and stay away.
9. Foreign spicy – If you are eating in a restaurant and you ask if the food you ordered is spicy and the waiter just giggles and walks away, do not, under any circumstances, eat that food. This is especially true if you are at an Indian or Thai place.
10. Beware of ketchup – Always shake the ketchup before using. The last thing you want is that weird ketchup water on your plate making your fries soggy. However, before shaking, this author recommends you place one finger firmly over the cap to make sure it does not go flying off leaving the ketchup to come gurgling forth all over your face and clothes in front of your date and two couples going to their junior prom who can’t stop laughing at you. I’m not saying that’s what would happen, but believe me, you don’t want to risk it.
11. Foods you can’t pronounce – Don’t order anything you can’t pronounce or identify unless and until someone you trust assures you it is not goose liver.
Many more food rules to come, but this should give you a good start.
These rules are not here to limit your creativity, but to help you in moments where the flesh is so willing that the mind is weak. When your growling stomach begins to get the better of you, remember these simple rules. This not the complete list by any means and as further research is manufactured, more rules may result and will be posted here. I also invite you to submit your own suggested additions to the list at which point I will politely reject them and then use them in a later post without giving you credit.
Enjoy.
1. The picture test – This one really kicked off the food rules. If a restaurant can’t make a food item look good in a picture, do not order it. If, with the help of foam, plastic, paint and digital effects they can’t make their turkey sandwich look like the best thing you’ve ever tasted, then stay away. Food will never look better in real life than in the picture. The same is true by the way for models and actresses, but that’s for another blog.
2. The best delis – Because the sandwich is nature’s perfect food, it is important for you to locate a good deli or two near wherever you live. Here are some things to look for when trying to find one.
a. The best delis are always the ones that write their menu on a giant chalkboard. I’m not sure why this is, but it is consistently true. Find the chalkboard and you will find a good sandwich.
b. The more bread options for your sandwich, the better the sandwich will be no matter which bread you choose.
c. Watch for folded meats. Sandwich meat should be thin and folded (with one exception for places that cook whole turkeys and carve the meat off fresh…mmmmm….yummy). The folding of the meat adds some good fluffiness to the sandwich and takes away from that sense that it is just one thick dense slab of meat. Good delis fold their meat.
d. Quiznos is better than Subway, but neither are good delis. I will not argue about this.
e. Ideally, the person making your sandwich will have a northeast accent. I’m not sure why that helps, but it does. Also, people born outside of the United States and Italy, while they may be wonderful people with many good talents, can not make good deli sandwiches.
f. Never, and I can not stress this enough, by a pre-made sandwich in one of those plastic boxes or plastic wrap, even at the airport where they swear to you they just made them today when you know full well they were made in a sweat shop in Taiwan without folding the meat. Frankly, I’m disappointed I even had to tell you that.
3. “World Famous” – The term “world famous” is often attached to a menu item. There are two things you should know about this. First, no one outside of the neighborhood where the restaurant is located has ever heard of their chili or clam chowder. Second, the “house special” rule (described below) may come into play here and still make that a good menu choice.
4. The House Special – When you are dining out, order the house special whenever it is a food item that you like, especially if the food is named after the owner of the restaurant. Listen, if they think that’s what they do best, who are you to argue? Sure you can get the burger when the specialty of the house is pot roast, but chances are the pot roast will be much better. You can get a burger anywhere. If you are at Jim’s Place, by all means get “Jim’s secret recipe special pot roast” especially if it says “it’s our specialty.”
5. Don’t reach for fish – A very wise Chinese Alaskan taxi driver once told me “Bad fish mess you up. I sick for days.” The lesson: fish is dangerous. It is my favorite type of food, but please be careful. Do not order fish in a restaurant that is not very very clean, unless it only seems unclean because of an overwhelming fish smell. Never order fish off a cart unless you are right next to the body of water where the fish came from. Avoid fish in cheap restaurants (exception for Taco Del Mar “fish like substance” tacos, which are really quite tasty), you only want it prepared by people who really care about their jobs. A subset of the below rule on going out of bounds, is you shouldn’t order fish in a restaurant that doesn’t really do fish. For example, if you are at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles, and they happen to have a single fish item on the menu, do not order it. Don’t get the fish and chips at a burger joint. You get the idea. Finally, you’re better off ordering something that could have come form some place local, so while Seattle is a fine place to order fish, Wyoming is questionable.
6. Don’t go out of bounds – Think of yourself as a coach and each restaurant is a new team of players. You have a system you like to run, but a good coach works to his player’s strengths and works with what he has. Maybe you’re a beef guy, but if you find yourself at Barney’s Chicken Shack, don’t skip the 27 chicken items and order the token beef offering. Get Chicken, especially if you can find something called Barney’s original chicken. They almost never improve on the original. Also, don’t order Chinese food at Jack in the Box. If a place obviously favors one genre of food, do not go outside that genre.
7. The buffet rules (these are just a few)
a. Fillers – avoid breads and starches. They are just cheap fillers. Keep your focus and go right for the meat items. A common rookie mistake is to start with a salad, get wowed by the tremendous salad bar and then fill up on rabbit food. Save the salad for the second course to avoid this common mistake.
b. Fish – see the above rules and use extra caution at a buffet.
c. Drinks – Go for the juices. Juice is usually so expensive, it will help you feel like you got your money’s worth.
8. The parking lot – If you’re trying a new place out and the parking lot is empty and seems to always be empty assume everyone else knows something you don’t and stay away.
9. Foreign spicy – If you are eating in a restaurant and you ask if the food you ordered is spicy and the waiter just giggles and walks away, do not, under any circumstances, eat that food. This is especially true if you are at an Indian or Thai place.
10. Beware of ketchup – Always shake the ketchup before using. The last thing you want is that weird ketchup water on your plate making your fries soggy. However, before shaking, this author recommends you place one finger firmly over the cap to make sure it does not go flying off leaving the ketchup to come gurgling forth all over your face and clothes in front of your date and two couples going to their junior prom who can’t stop laughing at you. I’m not saying that’s what would happen, but believe me, you don’t want to risk it.
11. Foods you can’t pronounce – Don’t order anything you can’t pronounce or identify unless and until someone you trust assures you it is not goose liver.
Many more food rules to come, but this should give you a good start.
Comments
Another related principle (not really a rule) is that you have to keep a healthy sense of skepticism about restaurants. For instance, it could be that the "house special," is just what they ordered too much of and if they don't sell it to you, they will throw it away. It could be that their "signature" soup du jour on Tuesday is actually Monday's "house special" pot roast recycled as "beef barley stew." And don't forget to be vigilant about recommendations from the concierge at your hotel when you find yourself hungry in a strange city. I don't want to sour your faith in humanity, but it is HIGHLY possible that that restaurants they recommend most enthusiastically to guests are the ones that pay them the best to refer people. As a case in point, I remember talking to a concierge in a candid moment who said that her daughter's wedding was basically given to her by a variety of service providers to which she referred clients. The moral of the story is, that it isn't just about food. Sometimes, the people involved can be just as smelly as the fish!
When hungry in a new city do you?
* Look for a familiar franchise (and if you are traveling internationally, an American franchise). You search until you find the T.G.I.Friday's in London, the McDonald's in Normandy, and the Starbucks in Taipei.
* You stop a person on the street that appears to be a local (note: they are holding a bag of groceries) and ask them for a recommendation. With this approach, you might be referred to a restaurant with incredible food and perhaps questionnable ambiance (ie, dead meat hanging in the front window).
* You find an internet cafe and do a search for restaurants and read the commentary before making a decision, at which time you Google Map the location and plan your route.
If you selected the first one, you are comforted by routine (and some would say that you lack the real adventure "appetite" and shouldn't be traveling at all). If you selected the second alternative, you deserve a good meal for having guspa. If you selected the last option, you probably should be auditing restaurants for the health department (or the IRS) instead of eating there.
I suppose there is a fourth option and that although you have no particular dietary restrictions and are not going camping, you pack your own food. That extra suitcase comes in handy for all the Luna bars, juice boxes, and bags of trail mix.
So, once the survey is complete and thousands of data points are collected, I think a book should be published under the title "You Are What You Eat!"
1. ALWAYS set the table. Never eat chips out of a bag or yogurt out of a plastic container. Set the table, put the serving on a plate, and use real linens.
2. NEVER do anything else while you are eating, but savor your food. No watching TV. No reading.
I just heard an interview with Ron Howard, who directed the Davinci Code movie. While filming in Paris, he asked his assistant to get him a cup of coffee. After a long wait, the assistant returned balancing a china cup and saucer. Ron questioned why the order was not specified "to go." The assistant replied that there was no "to go" from a Parisian cafe and that the cafe proprietor wondered why Ron wasn't going to sit and drink his coffee "like a human being." Hmmm... Maybe they are on to something there.
I have seen my own dear husband eat rattlesnake, gizzards and things I dare not mention, all pronounced "really good."
Because of this, his recommendations have no merit.
Great point about the concierge. They are rubbish. I mean I'm sure many of them are fine people, but they can not be trusted. It got me to thinking that perhaps my next food rules post needs to be an expansion of my note on Delis and provide further rules on selecting a good restaurant.
That is a brilliant book idea. My only concern is about the research. It sounds time consuming and boring and I find that I get better results when I simply make the data up, so if either of us decide to write that book, I would strongly recommend that approach.
Also, dead meat hanging in the window sounds like excellent ambiance and more importantly very good assurance that meat is served at this restaurant which is the most important first step in choosing a good restaurant. There is nothing worse than going in some place with a big appetite only to discover nothing on the menu had parents.
Also, if you go with option 2 on your list and I sincerely hope most people would, make sure you ask people over the age of 25 and preferably someone who looks like they may have the means to eat out more than once a lunar cycle. I'm not saying seek out someone rich, just someone who looks like they could and do hold down a job. the age factor is important because of the well documented (by me) fact that young people are generally happy eating ice cream for at least one meal a day. They can not be trusted.
Please keep the comments coming. There is no shame in verbosity on the StumpTown blog and in fact it is encouraged.
I do not like your bosses food rules. I do not like them one bit. But they are probably true.
Also, the French are not onto something.
And that might just be the saddest thing of all.
I have no idea what you're talking about and categorically deny any inference, implications, assertions or accusations concerning the likelihood any references to any tomatoe sauce product, whether intentional or otherwise, was, is or could have been a reference to an actual unamed person as opposed to a hypothetical person bearing some, little or no resemblence to myself.
Great point. It reminds me of a general rule of life that I follow that whenever someone says "does this smell right to you?" For goodness sake, don't smell it.
You also raise another good reason for the food rules - to combat bad recommendations. Now, when you're at Lucky Dog's hot dog stand and someone says, the "the salmon crepes are excellent here, you should really try them," you can just consult the rules and say, "no thanks, I'm going with 'Lucky's famous corn dog', it's the house special." You can thank me later.
True that! Double True!
You know I love my food rules like McAdams loves Gosling.