6 Things on My Mind today, and frankly, that's enough
1. This past weekend we finally took the training wheels off Gibson’s bike and I spent some time running breathlessly behind him up and down the promenade at Seaside doing my best to dodge dog-walkers and hit skateboarders. It was an overdue lesson, but it was still one of those fun parent moments that you know is coming the moment you have kids and when it gets here, you think “wow, I’m a Dad, I can’t believe it and why does running behind this bike make me so out of breath? Man I’m fat.”
My Dad told me yesterday that “in Europe” when teaching kids how to ride bikes, they don’t use training wheels which I’m convinced teach you nothing but how to lean heavily to one side while riding a bike, a skill that doesn’t translate well once the training wheels are off. Instead, they remove the pedals from the bike and teach the kids to walk and then kick and coast themselves along on bikes. Viva!!! That is brilliant. Why has this been kept a secret from Americans? It makes much more sense as it allows a child to learn balance in a much more controlled situation before trying to learn balance and pedal at the same time. If the kid has the balance, he’s been pedaling since his tricycle days. I’m really fairly bitter this is just now coming to my attention. I think we should impose trade sanctions on every European country that has been refusing to share this technique. Anyway, I’m going to test this out if I can figure out how to get the pedals off Gibson’s bike in a way that allows me to reattach them. I’ll report back here.
2. I have a great Dad. I’m not going to get all gooey here or anything, but yesterday reminded me how much I love my Dad and how glad I am I live close to my parents especially now that I have kids. Plus my Dad taught me great life lessons like:
a. If you and your Dad go hunting a bear in the middle of the night with only a flashlight, don’t tell your mother.
b. Never, ever, ever eat cookies made with chocolate Exlax, and especially do not eat the whole batch
c. If it is cold enough, you can make it snow inside your tent from just your breath and if you ever find yourself in this situation, don’t tell your mother.
d. If you ever find yourself thinking “seen one mountain (or tree, or meadow), seen them all.” You have managed to so distort your vision that you are missing out on something beautiful.
e. It’s ok for a man to tell their kids they love them and are proud of them and they might even like it and it and it probably won’t even make the boys want to wear dresses.
3. Nike is going to spend the next 10 years or so kicking themselves for focusing so much attention on signing Carmelo Anthony and not as much on Dwayne “soon to be a household name” Wade.
4. My wife has her own food rules, but the most important is this: If you can’t figure out where to go or exactly what to do to get food when you enter a restaurant, then do not eat there. If they can’t figure out how to let you know when and where to sit or how to order without you having to interrupt the 16 year old blonde hostess’ personal cell phone call about whether Derrick is total dork or kind of cute, then what are the chances they are going to serve you food worth eating? Something to consider.
5. Enormous fat men should never, I repeat, never sunbathe in their boxer shorts on top of the building outside my office window. While it may encourage my own efforts to lose some weight, it may also increase the odds that I will stab my eyes out with my pen.
6. After seeing/hearing my wife do just a bit of Karaoke this past weekend, I’m convinced she could be the next American Idol. Only a few things might hold her back, none of them relating to her immense singing talent and undeniable beauty, including:
a. She’s really smart
b. She might say unsavory things to and/or physically abuse that sarcastic English guy who says unsavory things to everyone. This would either result in immediate disqualification or thunderous applause or both.
c. She straight up does not care what Paula Abdul thinks about any subject
d. They would likely require her to sing songs other than “Stand By Your Man” (with her favorite “after all he’s just a man” lyrics), “These boots were made for walking” or “Hit me with Your Best Shot” and she might simply refuse on principle.
e. She’s really smart.
Also, here is your “reason to like Green Lantern” for the day: He did not have to be dropped into a vat of radioactive waste, or be struck by lightening while ingesting some mysterious serum to get his superpowers. If you ever have the choice between magic jewelry or getting hit by a comet while drinking experimental lizard hormones as a way to get super powers, always go for the jewelry.
My Dad told me yesterday that “in Europe” when teaching kids how to ride bikes, they don’t use training wheels which I’m convinced teach you nothing but how to lean heavily to one side while riding a bike, a skill that doesn’t translate well once the training wheels are off. Instead, they remove the pedals from the bike and teach the kids to walk and then kick and coast themselves along on bikes. Viva!!! That is brilliant. Why has this been kept a secret from Americans? It makes much more sense as it allows a child to learn balance in a much more controlled situation before trying to learn balance and pedal at the same time. If the kid has the balance, he’s been pedaling since his tricycle days. I’m really fairly bitter this is just now coming to my attention. I think we should impose trade sanctions on every European country that has been refusing to share this technique. Anyway, I’m going to test this out if I can figure out how to get the pedals off Gibson’s bike in a way that allows me to reattach them. I’ll report back here.
2. I have a great Dad. I’m not going to get all gooey here or anything, but yesterday reminded me how much I love my Dad and how glad I am I live close to my parents especially now that I have kids. Plus my Dad taught me great life lessons like:
a. If you and your Dad go hunting a bear in the middle of the night with only a flashlight, don’t tell your mother.
b. Never, ever, ever eat cookies made with chocolate Exlax, and especially do not eat the whole batch
c. If it is cold enough, you can make it snow inside your tent from just your breath and if you ever find yourself in this situation, don’t tell your mother.
d. If you ever find yourself thinking “seen one mountain (or tree, or meadow), seen them all.” You have managed to so distort your vision that you are missing out on something beautiful.
e. It’s ok for a man to tell their kids they love them and are proud of them and they might even like it and it and it probably won’t even make the boys want to wear dresses.
3. Nike is going to spend the next 10 years or so kicking themselves for focusing so much attention on signing Carmelo Anthony and not as much on Dwayne “soon to be a household name” Wade.
4. My wife has her own food rules, but the most important is this: If you can’t figure out where to go or exactly what to do to get food when you enter a restaurant, then do not eat there. If they can’t figure out how to let you know when and where to sit or how to order without you having to interrupt the 16 year old blonde hostess’ personal cell phone call about whether Derrick is total dork or kind of cute, then what are the chances they are going to serve you food worth eating? Something to consider.
5. Enormous fat men should never, I repeat, never sunbathe in their boxer shorts on top of the building outside my office window. While it may encourage my own efforts to lose some weight, it may also increase the odds that I will stab my eyes out with my pen.
6. After seeing/hearing my wife do just a bit of Karaoke this past weekend, I’m convinced she could be the next American Idol. Only a few things might hold her back, none of them relating to her immense singing talent and undeniable beauty, including:
a. She’s really smart
b. She might say unsavory things to and/or physically abuse that sarcastic English guy who says unsavory things to everyone. This would either result in immediate disqualification or thunderous applause or both.
c. She straight up does not care what Paula Abdul thinks about any subject
d. They would likely require her to sing songs other than “Stand By Your Man” (with her favorite “after all he’s just a man” lyrics), “These boots were made for walking” or “Hit me with Your Best Shot” and she might simply refuse on principle.
e. She’s really smart.
Also, here is your “reason to like Green Lantern” for the day: He did not have to be dropped into a vat of radioactive waste, or be struck by lightening while ingesting some mysterious serum to get his superpowers. If you ever have the choice between magic jewelry or getting hit by a comet while drinking experimental lizard hormones as a way to get super powers, always go for the jewelry.
Comments
Also, hearing your vivid description gave Tim and I a visual, and now we suffer as well.
Sorry about that. I only wish it was a hypothetical observation, but alas, being in a high rise office has its downsides.
Great point.
Great tip about the bike. I guess we"ll have to take Douglas' training wheels off.
Also, Randy, your yardstick comment made me laugh out loud! Maybe my vocal stylings and interpretive "coreography" are more appropriate for pithy American Idol than universities in the deep south!
Also, it is futile to have some goofy plan to not tell Mom. Mom always finds out eventually. It is one of Mom's super powers.
When David graduated two years ago, there was extreme yelling, loud cheering, clapping and foot stomping as he passed the crowd on the recessional. His friend next to him said, " What's the deal,do you have about 100 people here?"
David's response,"NO, that's just my Mom."
I am the equivelent of 100 people. I AM MOM.
He's really smart and he has a ton of money to make cool cars and jets.
Not to mention a butler to clean his house and cook his food for him.
Mike, one of my favorite things in life is to talk about Batman to my youngest brother Enoch. Enoch is outraged that Batman gets called a "superhero" even though he has no super powers.
"I mean what's the deal? He has cool gadgets? so what? anyone could do that. how can you talk about him in the same breath as Superman?"
I love it when people get that passionate about things like that. I guess it's why I like Christopher Guest movies so much.
That said, I also like Batman and the butler factor is way undrrated....as is the wealth factor....in fact, you make some really good points.
In the end, GL is still better because he, with his ring, has actual super powers, which means he could fly and all sorts of other cool stuff and still have the car, the toys and even the butler as long as he didn't mind them being green.