Turlock May Sound Like a Vampire, but It's Really a Secret City
Greetings everyone from Turlock, CA. Here are my favorite things about Turlock so far:
1. It smells like a port-a-potty used mostly by cows
2. There are no signs for Turlock, anywhere. It’s like its existence is some kind of secret or something. No this many miles until… signs. No “welcome to” sign. No “Turlock Market” or the like. Only people who really want to can find Turlock and I can’t find any reasons why there would be any such people
3. My hotel stay has produced the following conversations:
Late Night Hotel Guy: Hello, front desk
Me: Yeah, I’m trying to watch TV in my room and I can’t get a signal. The TV comes on, but the signal seems to be scrambled and it is unwatchable.
LNHG: Ummm…yeah, I don’t know what to tell you about that.
Me: Well, I mean, is there some problem with the cable? Is there some setting I need to change? Is this just my room or a hotel wide problem?
LNHG: Well, I’ve never watched TV in the rooms so I don’t know what to say.
Me: (admittedly getting testy) Well, it’s just a TV like any others and watching in the room is just like watching it in your living room except for my TV doesn’t work and since this TV is your TV, I’m hoping you can fix it.
LNHG: What should I do? I’m just not sure.
Me: I’m not going to get any help with the TV issue am I?
LNHG: Probably not.
Also
Daytime Hotel Woman: Hello, can I help you sir?
Me: Yeah, do you have a pen I could borrow?
DHW: Sure, here you go. Oh, by the way, was your bedding clean when you got in your room last night?
Me: (staring in disbelief and starting to get slightly nauseaus) Uhhhh….well….I thought so. Why? Is there reason to think they weren’t?
DHW (as if she suddenly realized her question might be unsettling) Oh, no, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’s fine.
Needless to say, I’m typing this from a new hotel room.
4. When I discovered that my work was going to get done early I asked my court reporter if there was anything around to do for the afternoon and she quickly responded that “yes, there’s a Starbucks two exits up.”
5. Seriously though, the trip to Turlock has been better than anyone would have any business expecting on a trip to Turlock. I’ve already gotten to see my brothers and their families, I got to see my good friends Randy and Beth and their two amazing children and I think there is roughly 100% chance that I will watch a lot of football this weekend. So, no complaints. In fact, you really should come to Turlock. It makes for a pretty fun trip…
…if you can find it.
1. It smells like a port-a-potty used mostly by cows
2. There are no signs for Turlock, anywhere. It’s like its existence is some kind of secret or something. No this many miles until… signs. No “welcome to” sign. No “Turlock Market” or the like. Only people who really want to can find Turlock and I can’t find any reasons why there would be any such people
3. My hotel stay has produced the following conversations:
Late Night Hotel Guy: Hello, front desk
Me: Yeah, I’m trying to watch TV in my room and I can’t get a signal. The TV comes on, but the signal seems to be scrambled and it is unwatchable.
LNHG: Ummm…yeah, I don’t know what to tell you about that.
Me: Well, I mean, is there some problem with the cable? Is there some setting I need to change? Is this just my room or a hotel wide problem?
LNHG: Well, I’ve never watched TV in the rooms so I don’t know what to say.
Me: (admittedly getting testy) Well, it’s just a TV like any others and watching in the room is just like watching it in your living room except for my TV doesn’t work and since this TV is your TV, I’m hoping you can fix it.
LNHG: What should I do? I’m just not sure.
Me: I’m not going to get any help with the TV issue am I?
LNHG: Probably not.
Also
Daytime Hotel Woman: Hello, can I help you sir?
Me: Yeah, do you have a pen I could borrow?
DHW: Sure, here you go. Oh, by the way, was your bedding clean when you got in your room last night?
Me: (staring in disbelief and starting to get slightly nauseaus) Uhhhh….well….I thought so. Why? Is there reason to think they weren’t?
DHW (as if she suddenly realized her question might be unsettling) Oh, no, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’s fine.
Needless to say, I’m typing this from a new hotel room.
4. When I discovered that my work was going to get done early I asked my court reporter if there was anything around to do for the afternoon and she quickly responded that “yes, there’s a Starbucks two exits up.”
5. Seriously though, the trip to Turlock has been better than anyone would have any business expecting on a trip to Turlock. I’ve already gotten to see my brothers and their families, I got to see my good friends Randy and Beth and their two amazing children and I think there is roughly 100% chance that I will watch a lot of football this weekend. So, no complaints. In fact, you really should come to Turlock. It makes for a pretty fun trip…
…if you can find it.
Comments
Wait, now Otis has started as well!
Man, that pug can really GNASH!
Turlock was all I said it was and less, beleive me.
My Dad is right. It just makes you enjoy the Pac NW that much more.
It's good to be home.
Turlock High School class of 1969.
Home of many Turkey processing plants. Saturdays at the livestock auction yard. It was a much smaller place when I lived there. Back in the day you could ride your bike 2 miles from city center and be out in the country. Country being where granddad had his farm. It is long since paved over and many 2 story houses sit on the land that once grew corn, melons, alfalfa. At one time it grazed cattle for beef. Milk cows which have to be milked several times a day. What a way to spend my summer after high school. My grandfather had a stroke and I lived out there and took care of the farm, while working at a local nursery.
Several summers working the baby's breath at harvest. It looks nice in bouquets but try hanging it in a shed when it is summer hot in the valley and the stuff is getting under your clothes.
Teenage years going down to Bonander Pontiac to look at the latest GTO. My first car was a 1953 Chevrolet V6 4 door hardtop with a front end that shook everytime it hit a hole in the road. Had carpeting that my uncle put in before he sold it to me. I installed a 12 volt battery in the trunk to power my 8-track tape player. I also had a 5 channel cb radio. $150. Bargain.
Moved up to a 1964 Plymouth Valiant with the large slant 6. 3 speed manual. I could get scratch on the road through 2 of the 3 gears. 4-doors. Made a great mountain car. Spent many a day in the Sierras on the Stanislaus River fishing for trout. No tent or sleeping bag...no problem slept 2 fairly comfortable. Ok...but we were young and fishing was that important back then.
Turlock must have seemed like paradise once as my grandparents moved their young children all the way from Sharp County Arkansas to live and work there.
Turlock High School was the only game in town then. They have 2 public high schools and a private one. Turlock High School. the Bulldogs. Blue and Gold. The football team is 0-2 after 2. At one time they were a team to be reckoned with. I was the nerd who set up the sound system, made sure the lights worked, got to go to all the home games free. Benefit of being in Les Johnson's electricity class.
Sure am glad I don't live there anymore. Without signs one could get lost and not find their way out. Now days you have to go there on purpose, not likely you would just show up. Golden State Boulevard used to be highway 99. There used to be one of those orange juice stands at the south end of town.
I have the same sorts of memories of growing up in San Francisco though. Its really all just a testament to memory's power to filter out the mundane and obscene.
As for his/her comments, let me add the following:
If I've offended anyone with my rather unforgiving view of Turlock, I apologize. Living in Turlock is punishment enough without me coming along and piling on.
Also, I must confess that I am guilty as charged of trying to make my friends laugh. From the tone of Anonymous' comment, I'm guessing he/she never makes this same mistake.
Finally, I am glad to hear, for Anonymous' sake that he/she has never noticed the particular odor I described. Perhaps I had inadvertently rolled around in manure and it was just me who smelled like that.