Ahoy thar mateys!!
My lovely and mactastic wife informed me that today is national “talk like a pirate day.” The reasons our nation needs this day and that we celebrate it on September 19 are too numerous to mention and to obvious to be worth noting, so let’s move on and dig deeper into the true meaning of this holiday.
My biggest complaint about TLAP day is that it has become so commercialized that we have lost the original meaning. I mean, we have big budget movies staring the worlds girliest men wearing more eye makeup than Courtney Love (the popularity of those movies so diminishes my faith in humanity it is nearly enough for me to denounce democracy). We have amusement park rides about pirates, endless pirate toys, sports teams named for pirates. It is all too much.
Once upon a time, talking like a pirate really meant something. It meant lots of growling and bad English accents. It meant repeating non-sensical phrases like “shiver me timbers” and “blow me down” and “poop deck” (you’re giggling right now aren’t you? Real mature). And most importantly it meant paying homage to the world’s oldest profession. No not that one, get your mind out of the gutter for crying out loud. I mean, “pillaging.” Now stealing is one thing and it has it’s own upside, but pillaging is in a class by itself. Webster’s defines the word pillaging as “to rob a place using force.” But this dry, emotionless definition doesn’t do justice to the idea of going to a place that is not yours and forcefully taking everything you want while terrorizing the inhabitants. This is, after all the defining characteristic of a pirate and I can’t think of anything better to make light of and romanticize with our children. I can’t wait for “talk like a mafia hit man” day.
So, as you observe this day as a family, consider leaving behind the “Arggg”s and “Matey”s of yesteryear and take this opportunity to modernize the holiday. I mean, it’s not like pirates don’t exist any more, but now they talk more like this:
1. “For a family of four, your tickets come to $5,600 unless you also want to go to our new park “California Adventure,” in which case it will be roughly twice that.”
2. “Hi, I’m the attorney for ________” (oh, if I didn’t say it you would have, admit it)
3. “Darn it, I’m the CEO and if that means I can’t spend a million dollars of the shareholder’s money on elaborate birthday celebrations for my wife, then the terrorists have already won.”
4. “Good morning. Welcome to Halliburton.”
5. “Would you like butter flavoring on your popcorn?”
6. “If you want to watch a movie during the flight, you have to use our headphones and they cost $10.”
7. “We can sign A-Rod and just play him at Third.”
8. “This policy protects your property from any damage resulting from a flood other than damage caused by water or some other liquid and limited to damage resulting from fire.”
9. “You’re being audited.”
10. “You need a new water pump and air filter and we really should replace the fuel injector and the hickamajob and the thigymado, but those parts have to be special ordered from the factory and we should be able to get to that by a week from Friday, but we’ll need to keep it in our shop for at least a month for no good reason.”
Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day.
Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!
My biggest complaint about TLAP day is that it has become so commercialized that we have lost the original meaning. I mean, we have big budget movies staring the worlds girliest men wearing more eye makeup than Courtney Love (the popularity of those movies so diminishes my faith in humanity it is nearly enough for me to denounce democracy). We have amusement park rides about pirates, endless pirate toys, sports teams named for pirates. It is all too much.
Once upon a time, talking like a pirate really meant something. It meant lots of growling and bad English accents. It meant repeating non-sensical phrases like “shiver me timbers” and “blow me down” and “poop deck” (you’re giggling right now aren’t you? Real mature). And most importantly it meant paying homage to the world’s oldest profession. No not that one, get your mind out of the gutter for crying out loud. I mean, “pillaging.” Now stealing is one thing and it has it’s own upside, but pillaging is in a class by itself. Webster’s defines the word pillaging as “to rob a place using force.” But this dry, emotionless definition doesn’t do justice to the idea of going to a place that is not yours and forcefully taking everything you want while terrorizing the inhabitants. This is, after all the defining characteristic of a pirate and I can’t think of anything better to make light of and romanticize with our children. I can’t wait for “talk like a mafia hit man” day.
So, as you observe this day as a family, consider leaving behind the “Arggg”s and “Matey”s of yesteryear and take this opportunity to modernize the holiday. I mean, it’s not like pirates don’t exist any more, but now they talk more like this:
1. “For a family of four, your tickets come to $5,600 unless you also want to go to our new park “California Adventure,” in which case it will be roughly twice that.”
2. “Hi, I’m the attorney for ________” (oh, if I didn’t say it you would have, admit it)
3. “Darn it, I’m the CEO and if that means I can’t spend a million dollars of the shareholder’s money on elaborate birthday celebrations for my wife, then the terrorists have already won.”
4. “Good morning. Welcome to Halliburton.”
5. “Would you like butter flavoring on your popcorn?”
6. “If you want to watch a movie during the flight, you have to use our headphones and they cost $10.”
7. “We can sign A-Rod and just play him at Third.”
8. “This policy protects your property from any damage resulting from a flood other than damage caused by water or some other liquid and limited to damage resulting from fire.”
9. “You’re being audited.”
10. “You need a new water pump and air filter and we really should replace the fuel injector and the hickamajob and the thigymado, but those parts have to be special ordered from the factory and we should be able to get to that by a week from Friday, but we’ll need to keep it in our shop for at least a month for no good reason.”
Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day.
Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!
Comments
We busted a heater hose in my Dad’s F-150 “pick-em-up” truck. The pirate, I mean mechanic look at these 3 punks from Florida and said, (insert best southern accent) “Yeah, I can fix it but I’ll have to go to the next town to get a hose (as in hose job) to fit your truck. I’ll be back in a bit.”
2 hours and $100 later, we pulled out of Adel, Georgia and I could have swore I heard in a southern accent, the pirate, I mean mechanic give a hearty “Arrrggghhh!!!.”
Makes me want to say my favorite line from the movie “Dodgeball,” “Steve, you’re not a pirate!”
Also, just the fact that a guy in dodgeball thought he was a pirate was one of the most random, inspired and funniest parts of that slightly underperforming movie.
Peggy, if you wore a hidden camera at work and posted the video online, I would watch every day. Or at least every talk like a pirate day
Hirsute,
I know just who you mean and it made me think. Why not "pirate" day? Why is it just "talk like a pirate day." Is there an entirely different day for dressing like a pirate? Or Pillaging like a pirate? Or drinking like a piraate?
Brilliant!