I think I think, therefore I might be
Just thinking about a few things that I thought I would toss out there with a nod to the excellent Peter King who writes a must-read article called Monday Morning Quarterback for CNN/SI that no football fan should miss during the season. He always includes 10 things he thinks he thinks about football, so here are 10 things I think I think about the things I think about. Also, check my other blogs later for 10 things I think I think about sports and about entertainment.
1. I think one of the underrated qualities of money is that it doesn’t dissolve when you wash it. Why is that exactly? And why doesn’t anyone talk about this? I leave stuff in my pockets when I wash my clothes almost as often as my clothes are washed. As often as not, there is some receipt, business card, post-it note, to-do list, etc folded and waiting for someone to add water and detergent. When any of these things are washed they immediately dissolve or more often try to make themselves one with my pocket by compacting down into this strange little ball of paper like substance and adhering to the fabric. You can no more unfold them than you could get NPR to do a positive piece on President Bush. Don’t’ try. All of the printing is washed away and it is just a useless mass. This is universally true for paper except for money. Money comes through unscathed. I know, because I wash it all the time. Perhaps someone at the US Treasury once upon a time was the idiot brother of a mob boss and wanted his brother to be able to launder money, but didn’t quite understand the concept? Nah, that is just too obvious. I bet that theory has long ago been investigated and put to rest….or has it?.....hmmmm. One thing’s for sure, whatever the reason, it has saved me approximately $12,672 over my life time.
2. I think you can’t save anyone in any movie or tv show unless your name is Jack. Check out the comments to my movie review of MI3 on this site (the comments didn’t transfer to my Entertainment site) for a more detailed discussion of the various action Jacks, but I bring this up now because I just watched “Firewall” starring a completely disinterested Harrison Ford who may have redefined “mailing in” a performance. But he plays a guy who has to save someone, so of course, his name is? …care to guess? Oh, good guess – Jack. Is that just a really “strong” name or something? I don’t get it. Why not mix it up? But then, I don’t understand why just about every city or town in America has the same 15 street names either, so there you go. As a side note, why on earth would Ford agree to be in that movie? Maybe he was just dying to play another character named Jack and this was the first one that came long.
3. I think if I’m going to get 10 things on this list, I’m going to have to write less about each of them. Oh wait, that’s impossible. I almost forgot I was a lawyer there for a second.
4. I think, after this morning’s court hearing, that your navel, pierced or otherwise, should never be visible inside a court room for any reason. If it is, you risk hearing a Judge tell you that your attire and demeanor do not demonstrate the proper level of respect and indicate that you do not take seriously your need to stop biting your ex-lesbian lover “against her will.” Or “pulling a Marv” as some would call it. I only wish I was making some part of that up, but since I’m not I thought I should share the lessons learned whenever I enter the courthouse. Next time, tune in for why you shouldn’t carry a metal ball the size of a baseball into the court house and then explain to security that “dude, it can’t even hurt anyone unless I throw it.”
5. I think you shouldn’t put mustard on a turkey sandwich because then you can’t even taste the turkey and might as well be eating tofu, which of course you should never do for any reason.
6. I think my wife is the hardest working human I know. In addition to beating some sense into our two wonderful boys every day, she is now nearly single-handedly (my weekend assistance is a mere drop in the bucket) landscaping our entire back yard which initially resembled the island where King Kong lived, complete with the giant bugs and mal-nourished natives. In doing so, my wife regularly tries to best her own record for “most accomplished in a single naptime” and refuses to take the advice of the Mexican man who built our neighbor’s patio while my brother and I built our fence. We had a conversation that went like this:
Him: Do you live here?
Me: Yes
Him: Do you own this house?
Me: Yes
Him: Then why don’t you just hire Mexicans like me to build this fence?
Me: Uhmmmm….I don’t know, I just didn’t want to spend the money I guess.
Him: It doesn’t cost that much. Man, if I owned a house, I’d hire Mexicans to do everything. You must be crazy.
Thus my wife must be very crazy, but very very productive….and beautiful of course, but that seems to take her no effort at all.
7. I think that song that goes, “bye bye miss American pie” doesn’t really mean anything and that the writer just liked the way the words fit together and figured it would be funny to make people go crazy trying to figure out what the heck he’s talking about.
8. I think you should like the Green Lantern because he’s pals with the Green Arrow, which is cool because they both like green. But also, Green Arrow is like Robin Hood with a really bad attitude and no tights or friar always getting in the way and he shoots arrows apparently made by the same guy who makes Penguin’s umbrellas, because they all do things arrows don’t usually do and I just think that would come in handy if ever you found yourself needing to save the world or something like that.
9. I think the solution to the world’s mounting energy problems is magnets. I don’t know how or why, but it seems as good a guess as any and I wanted to go on record now so I can claim that I knew all along later when everything is powered by magnets.
10. I think it is really hard to maintain 3 blogs while pretending to work as a lawyer. I know that all of you have seen enough TV to know that my job consists of chasing bad guys, flashy cars, women constantly throwing themselves at me, gobs of money, dancing babies, smoking cigars on patios that have no wind even though they sit high in the air above Boston, forcing tearful confessions on the witness stand, calling Al Sharpton in to preach in open court, co-ed bathrooms, jury tampering, cops on the take, witness intimidation, and that is all just the first hour of every day. So, finding time to post stuff is hard work. Oh wait, I have to run, my private investigator is telling me our key witness has been taken hostage on Air Force One and they need someone to save her. Since ordinarily they would send a JAG lawyer for this kind of mission, and none are available, they are sending me. Wish me luck. I’m off to take on a group of men in black with bad Arabic accents to save my improbably beautiful witness. But then all star witnesses are beautiful. It’s just the way things are in real life.
1. I think one of the underrated qualities of money is that it doesn’t dissolve when you wash it. Why is that exactly? And why doesn’t anyone talk about this? I leave stuff in my pockets when I wash my clothes almost as often as my clothes are washed. As often as not, there is some receipt, business card, post-it note, to-do list, etc folded and waiting for someone to add water and detergent. When any of these things are washed they immediately dissolve or more often try to make themselves one with my pocket by compacting down into this strange little ball of paper like substance and adhering to the fabric. You can no more unfold them than you could get NPR to do a positive piece on President Bush. Don’t’ try. All of the printing is washed away and it is just a useless mass. This is universally true for paper except for money. Money comes through unscathed. I know, because I wash it all the time. Perhaps someone at the US Treasury once upon a time was the idiot brother of a mob boss and wanted his brother to be able to launder money, but didn’t quite understand the concept? Nah, that is just too obvious. I bet that theory has long ago been investigated and put to rest….or has it?.....hmmmm. One thing’s for sure, whatever the reason, it has saved me approximately $12,672 over my life time.
2. I think you can’t save anyone in any movie or tv show unless your name is Jack. Check out the comments to my movie review of MI3 on this site (the comments didn’t transfer to my Entertainment site) for a more detailed discussion of the various action Jacks, but I bring this up now because I just watched “Firewall” starring a completely disinterested Harrison Ford who may have redefined “mailing in” a performance. But he plays a guy who has to save someone, so of course, his name is? …care to guess? Oh, good guess – Jack. Is that just a really “strong” name or something? I don’t get it. Why not mix it up? But then, I don’t understand why just about every city or town in America has the same 15 street names either, so there you go. As a side note, why on earth would Ford agree to be in that movie? Maybe he was just dying to play another character named Jack and this was the first one that came long.
3. I think if I’m going to get 10 things on this list, I’m going to have to write less about each of them. Oh wait, that’s impossible. I almost forgot I was a lawyer there for a second.
4. I think, after this morning’s court hearing, that your navel, pierced or otherwise, should never be visible inside a court room for any reason. If it is, you risk hearing a Judge tell you that your attire and demeanor do not demonstrate the proper level of respect and indicate that you do not take seriously your need to stop biting your ex-lesbian lover “against her will.” Or “pulling a Marv” as some would call it. I only wish I was making some part of that up, but since I’m not I thought I should share the lessons learned whenever I enter the courthouse. Next time, tune in for why you shouldn’t carry a metal ball the size of a baseball into the court house and then explain to security that “dude, it can’t even hurt anyone unless I throw it.”
5. I think you shouldn’t put mustard on a turkey sandwich because then you can’t even taste the turkey and might as well be eating tofu, which of course you should never do for any reason.
6. I think my wife is the hardest working human I know. In addition to beating some sense into our two wonderful boys every day, she is now nearly single-handedly (my weekend assistance is a mere drop in the bucket) landscaping our entire back yard which initially resembled the island where King Kong lived, complete with the giant bugs and mal-nourished natives. In doing so, my wife regularly tries to best her own record for “most accomplished in a single naptime” and refuses to take the advice of the Mexican man who built our neighbor’s patio while my brother and I built our fence. We had a conversation that went like this:
Him: Do you live here?
Me: Yes
Him: Do you own this house?
Me: Yes
Him: Then why don’t you just hire Mexicans like me to build this fence?
Me: Uhmmmm….I don’t know, I just didn’t want to spend the money I guess.
Him: It doesn’t cost that much. Man, if I owned a house, I’d hire Mexicans to do everything. You must be crazy.
Thus my wife must be very crazy, but very very productive….and beautiful of course, but that seems to take her no effort at all.
7. I think that song that goes, “bye bye miss American pie” doesn’t really mean anything and that the writer just liked the way the words fit together and figured it would be funny to make people go crazy trying to figure out what the heck he’s talking about.
8. I think you should like the Green Lantern because he’s pals with the Green Arrow, which is cool because they both like green. But also, Green Arrow is like Robin Hood with a really bad attitude and no tights or friar always getting in the way and he shoots arrows apparently made by the same guy who makes Penguin’s umbrellas, because they all do things arrows don’t usually do and I just think that would come in handy if ever you found yourself needing to save the world or something like that.
9. I think the solution to the world’s mounting energy problems is magnets. I don’t know how or why, but it seems as good a guess as any and I wanted to go on record now so I can claim that I knew all along later when everything is powered by magnets.
10. I think it is really hard to maintain 3 blogs while pretending to work as a lawyer. I know that all of you have seen enough TV to know that my job consists of chasing bad guys, flashy cars, women constantly throwing themselves at me, gobs of money, dancing babies, smoking cigars on patios that have no wind even though they sit high in the air above Boston, forcing tearful confessions on the witness stand, calling Al Sharpton in to preach in open court, co-ed bathrooms, jury tampering, cops on the take, witness intimidation, and that is all just the first hour of every day. So, finding time to post stuff is hard work. Oh wait, I have to run, my private investigator is telling me our key witness has been taken hostage on Air Force One and they need someone to save her. Since ordinarily they would send a JAG lawyer for this kind of mission, and none are available, they are sending me. Wish me luck. I’m off to take on a group of men in black with bad Arabic accents to save my improbably beautiful witness. But then all star witnesses are beautiful. It’s just the way things are in real life.
Comments
I tried a blog once, but since I was only writing once a month, I abandoned ship.
You are right on with "The Office."
There is a group of us at work who speak to each other using lines almost exclusively from Seinfeld, The Office, or the movie Office Space. Amazingly, we can carry on (intelligent?) conversation that way.
When our group is all in the Staff Rooom at the same time, some people leave. Not that there is amything wrong with that.
Of course there was that really bad day when we ate all the muffin tops, and left the stumps. (Stumps?)
And no, I WAS NOT the ringleader. I was there, and I helped, you might say I helped more than my share, but I was not the ringleader.
Just saw Office Space again not long ago and found it very rewatchable again, even though I've seen in more times than I will admit. Also, I have my office's only red swingline stapler and I love it and I'm not making that up.
I don't at all appreciate the Seinfeld episode that speaks such derogatory terms about Stumps, though I did really like the business about exclaimation points where Elaine says something like "I think we should lose the exclaimation point becaue it's not 'Top of the Muffin TOO YOU!!'" and Mr. Lipman says, "No, no, it is."
Good stuff. Peggy, don't you dare let your job get in the way of commenting on this blog. I will not allow it.
Thank you. I hope to test that theory some day, but I never want to be printed in hard cover because no matter how hard I try, I always end up ruining the paper cover that comes over a hard bound book. I don't want to perpetuate that sense of failure in others so in the unlikely event some publisher might want to put my words between to hard covers to sell to the general public, I would probably recommend the books be sold with a sturdy brown paper bag so that the purchaser can make thier own cover like I had to do back in Jr. High.
2. I have spent far too much time now trying to remember how many movies starring Harrison Ford featured him as a guy named "Jack." I got Jack Trainer from "Working Girl" and, of course, Jack Ryan. But that's it so far.
3. Again, I'm a schoolteacher. We talk a lot too.
4. I can't get the phrase "pulling a Marv" outta my head.
5. You are obsessed with sandwiches.
6. Mine works hard too. WAaaaaay harder than me.
7. I love that song. I don't get the lyrics for a second, even though I know that they are supposedly about Buddy Holley, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper. But they don't make sense and I don't care. I sing it at the top of my lungs whenever I hear it. It's both my right and my duty as an American.
8. The Green Lantern rocks in so many ways. The team-ups with Green Arrow were so awesome. Mostly because Neal Adams drew so many of them and he's the best ever. But what's not to love about Oliver Queen? Those arrows! That mask! Black Canary, for cryin' in a bucket!!!
9. Magnets. Yeah, magnets. Sounds right.
10. Do NOT, under any circumstances, take on the group of men in black. As peggy pointed out, your name is NOT Jack. It will all end in tears.
Harrison Ford has surprisingly only played those two characters named Jack that you mentioned though he has also been John and Jake, which are sort of close.
Whoa...another one of those flashbacks. The 60's weren't that kind to me.
Magnets are a way to go, if you can just figure out how to get them to spin real fast around a wire you can generate electricity....wait...they have already figured out how to do that. Unfortunately it takes energy to spin them fast. Energy makes me tired.
Green Lantern and Green Arrow. There was also the Green Hornet..but he had that goofy sidekick. Or was that OJ? The Atom was kinda cool cause he could get small....but then so could Alice...
one pill makes smaller, and the one's Mother gives you doesn't do anything at all...go ask Alice when she was 10 feet tall. Speaking of Mother..mine through away a collection of 50's and 60's comic books and baseball cards when I went off to make the world safe for lawyers in Southeast Asia. Tossed my retirement fund just because they were moving to Alaska.
Speaking of Green...Kermit the Frog is Green. He says it's not easy to be green. I lean Green. Been Green.
I want my 69 Hemi 'Cuda in Blue..but perfect examples are $100K anymore with matching numbers. So instead I will take a '71 Dodge Challenger in Plum-Crazy Purple...or better yet a Red '69 Mustang. Since I work at low paying jobs I will settle just to find another '71 Pontiac LeMans with the 350 like I had 5 years ago.
The 49ers still need linebacker help.
Maybe I ought to go update my own blog.