Wussified
Someday, this subject will take up an entire volume in my 50 volume manifesto that I am sure I could finish writing if only I had the courage and commitment to do absolutely nothing else. Ironically such a decision would contradict my own personal philosophies outlined in depth in the manifesto. So, I’ll just stick to a cursory treatment of a complex issue, blame it on the blogging format and call it good.
All of that to say, I have more to say, but just can’t find the time to say it…much less people who actually want to hear/read it.
Today’s rant? The wussifying of America’s youth.
Recently, Gibson’s small private school announced that it would be handing out awards for students at the end of the year. Predictably, this did not sit well with some of the parents who believe that no awards should be given unless every child gets an award. At that moment, I awarded those parents the first ever “Dash Incredible Award.” Don’t worry, I’ll come up with awards for all the parents.
In the movie “The Incredibles” (one of my all time favorites), Dash (a super-powered kid chafing at the instruction to hide his power from others) has something like the following exchange with his mother:
Dash: But Dad says our powers make us special
Mom: Everyone is special Dash.
Dash: Which is just another way of saying nobody is.
Great line. Now before you start thinking, “oh brother, this is just going to be another rant from a hypercompetitive Dad who is all about winning and achieving and making yourself better” I just want to assure you that you are absolutely right. This is one of those rants and I am one of those Dads.
I was not even done rolling my eyes at the parents mentioned above when a good friend sent me this (now 2 year old, but still applicable) snippet from USA Today:
Which games are deemed safe and self-affirming? The National PTA recommends a cooperative alternative to the fiercely competitive "tug of war" called "tug of peace." Some professionals in physical education advocate activities in which children compete only with themselves, such as juggling, unicycling, pogo sticking, and even "learning to ... manipulate wheelchairs with ease."
But juggling, too, poses risks.
A former member of The President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports suggests using silken scarves rather than, say, uncooperative tennis balls that lead to frustration and anxiety. "Scarves," he points out, "are soft, non-threatening, and float down slowly."
Let’s just hand our Country over to China now and get it over with. This national movement to falsely inflate kids’ self esteem by trying to remove all competition from their early life is unquestionably one of the worst things we have going right now. Right up there with guaranteed contracts in the NBA and Drew Berrymore movies. As I said, I have lots of thoughts about this topic, but here are the few I have on the top of the brain this morning.
First, we should be teaching our kids to be more competitive, not less. This is true for at least the following 3 reasons (there always has to be 3).
1. Telling kids that they are equal (without talking about God – see below), is a condescending lie they will see through immediately. Yogi Berra is credited with saying, “all men are created equal, some are just a little more equal than others.” Unlike many things Yogi said, that one makes quite a bit of sense and no one knows it better than elementary school kids. If you have the kids race and declare everyone a winner to avoid the feeling of loss all but one of the kids will have, it doesn’t keep them from realizing that little Johnny or Suzie was the first over the finish line. Kids know who are faster and smarter and better swimmers and who can jump the furthest, hang from the bars the longest, etc. If you try to keep them from events that prove these things, they will develop them on their own.
Our world has values. They are screwed up, but they are there. Telling a kid that it doesn’t matter if he or she are good or bad at the things the world values without giving them a credible reason why will just make you seem foolish. Kids know. They know that people cheer for people who do certain things well and can figure out that they will be cheered for if they do those things well and will likewise understand whether they can do them well or not.
Plus, taking the competitive nature out of early school environment only makes kids less equipped to deal with the rest of the world which is, in every way, a competitive environment. Never allowing a kid to feel loss or failure will not keep him from failing at sometime in his or her life, but it may very well leave him or her ill-equipped to deal with the failure.
Let’s stop lying to our kids and stop sheltering them so much that they can not cope with reality when it hits. Competition doesn’t only strengthen the strong, it provides the opportunity for everyone to grow stronger.
2. Competitive drive fosters achievement, discipline and self respect. I want my kids to achieve in their lives. Whether it is in ministry or their work or learning or whatever it is. I want them to achieve and want to achieve. If they don’t accept that as a value, they will not. They will be the guy from the parable, burying what God gave them in the ground for fear of losing it. They will be fearful or lazy or both and never reach their potential. To have that drive to achieve, one must embrace competition (on some level) both with other people in our society and even against things like time, age, one’s own limitations, history, etc. Show me someone who gets things done in their lives (whether in work or play or faith) and I will show you someone who is competitive, whether they are willing to admit it or not.
3. Teaching the value of competition allows you the opportunity to teach the good and the bad that can come from competition and allows you to credibly address the issues that people so fear when talking about children competing. I don’t want my kids’(or anyone else’s) spirit to be crushed or grow up believing that they can’t accomplish anything because they were chosen last for kick ball or never won at tug a war or didn’t get the “Best Speller” award in the first grade. I want my kids to be confident and have a high sense of self worth. But I don’t think you teach that by removing competition, you teach that by embracing it. If your kid never loses, how and when do you teach them that they are still good and loved when they lose? How do you teach them that losing in one thing doesn’t mean they can’t be great at something else? How do you teach them how to win without crushing their opponent? How do you teach them to be a good sport? How do you teach them when winning is important and when it is less important than someone’s feelings? You can’t teach those things in a vacuum.
Personally, I think the fear of the bad behavior that comes from competition has encouraged many to take the easy way out. Rather than doing the hard work of helping a child navigate the difficult world he or she is asked to compete in, some choose simply to try to convince the child that the world is different than it really is.
I want my sons to grow up knowing when winning is important and when it isn’t and how to conduct themselves when they win and lose and how to bounce back after failure. Those are not things that can be taught or understood outside a competitive environment and there is no good reason to try.
Second, trying to build someone’s self worth on something other than God is like building yourself a house made of sand on the beach below the tide line at low tide. It’s a flawed idea to begin with and it is only a matter of time before you find out exactly why.
People have worth because they are created and loved by God. We are created in His image to live a life that brings Him glory. Our value and worth are intrinsic and to a large degree independent of what we do except that our natural destiny is to serve and love God and our “value”, or self-worth increases when we commit ourselves to our calling to worship God and love each other.
Otherwise, we are worth no more than cattle or trees. If you take God out of the equation, then people are only worth what they can produce or achieve or become according to our culture’s values. That means, it does matter how attractive you are. It does matter how much money you have. It does matter how smart or athletic you are. And since all of those things are fleeting and sine there is always someone better, stronger, prettier, all of those things will fail you. If you are not beautiful, smart and talented, then you simply are not worth as much in this world as someone who is and no amount of lying to yourself will ever really convince you otherwise. So, to try to teach someone to have a healthy self-esteem without explaining that their value comes from God, is to doom them to a life of false hope, regularly dashed on the shores of reality.
If not for God, I would quickly realize that my thinning hair, my short stature, my intellectual imitations, my many other physical imperfections, mean that I am not as “good” as other people, and no matter how many times I tell myself in the mirror that “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and dogonit, people like me”, deep down I will know that I am just not quite as good as the next guy, or at least I will have that nagging doubt and fear.
With God, I am valuable, and worthwhile “good” in spite of and sometimes because of those imperfections listed above.
God loves me and I love Him. That is my worth. Anything else is a sand castle with the tide coming in.
All of that to say, I have more to say, but just can’t find the time to say it…much less people who actually want to hear/read it.
Today’s rant? The wussifying of America’s youth.
Recently, Gibson’s small private school announced that it would be handing out awards for students at the end of the year. Predictably, this did not sit well with some of the parents who believe that no awards should be given unless every child gets an award. At that moment, I awarded those parents the first ever “Dash Incredible Award.” Don’t worry, I’ll come up with awards for all the parents.
In the movie “The Incredibles” (one of my all time favorites), Dash (a super-powered kid chafing at the instruction to hide his power from others) has something like the following exchange with his mother:
Dash: But Dad says our powers make us special
Mom: Everyone is special Dash.
Dash: Which is just another way of saying nobody is.
Great line. Now before you start thinking, “oh brother, this is just going to be another rant from a hypercompetitive Dad who is all about winning and achieving and making yourself better” I just want to assure you that you are absolutely right. This is one of those rants and I am one of those Dads.
I was not even done rolling my eyes at the parents mentioned above when a good friend sent me this (now 2 year old, but still applicable) snippet from USA Today:
Which games are deemed safe and self-affirming? The National PTA recommends a cooperative alternative to the fiercely competitive "tug of war" called "tug of peace." Some professionals in physical education advocate activities in which children compete only with themselves, such as juggling, unicycling, pogo sticking, and even "learning to ... manipulate wheelchairs with ease."
But juggling, too, poses risks.
A former member of The President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports suggests using silken scarves rather than, say, uncooperative tennis balls that lead to frustration and anxiety. "Scarves," he points out, "are soft, non-threatening, and float down slowly."
Let’s just hand our Country over to China now and get it over with. This national movement to falsely inflate kids’ self esteem by trying to remove all competition from their early life is unquestionably one of the worst things we have going right now. Right up there with guaranteed contracts in the NBA and Drew Berrymore movies. As I said, I have lots of thoughts about this topic, but here are the few I have on the top of the brain this morning.
First, we should be teaching our kids to be more competitive, not less. This is true for at least the following 3 reasons (there always has to be 3).
1. Telling kids that they are equal (without talking about God – see below), is a condescending lie they will see through immediately. Yogi Berra is credited with saying, “all men are created equal, some are just a little more equal than others.” Unlike many things Yogi said, that one makes quite a bit of sense and no one knows it better than elementary school kids. If you have the kids race and declare everyone a winner to avoid the feeling of loss all but one of the kids will have, it doesn’t keep them from realizing that little Johnny or Suzie was the first over the finish line. Kids know who are faster and smarter and better swimmers and who can jump the furthest, hang from the bars the longest, etc. If you try to keep them from events that prove these things, they will develop them on their own.
Our world has values. They are screwed up, but they are there. Telling a kid that it doesn’t matter if he or she are good or bad at the things the world values without giving them a credible reason why will just make you seem foolish. Kids know. They know that people cheer for people who do certain things well and can figure out that they will be cheered for if they do those things well and will likewise understand whether they can do them well or not.
Plus, taking the competitive nature out of early school environment only makes kids less equipped to deal with the rest of the world which is, in every way, a competitive environment. Never allowing a kid to feel loss or failure will not keep him from failing at sometime in his or her life, but it may very well leave him or her ill-equipped to deal with the failure.
Let’s stop lying to our kids and stop sheltering them so much that they can not cope with reality when it hits. Competition doesn’t only strengthen the strong, it provides the opportunity for everyone to grow stronger.
2. Competitive drive fosters achievement, discipline and self respect. I want my kids to achieve in their lives. Whether it is in ministry or their work or learning or whatever it is. I want them to achieve and want to achieve. If they don’t accept that as a value, they will not. They will be the guy from the parable, burying what God gave them in the ground for fear of losing it. They will be fearful or lazy or both and never reach their potential. To have that drive to achieve, one must embrace competition (on some level) both with other people in our society and even against things like time, age, one’s own limitations, history, etc. Show me someone who gets things done in their lives (whether in work or play or faith) and I will show you someone who is competitive, whether they are willing to admit it or not.
3. Teaching the value of competition allows you the opportunity to teach the good and the bad that can come from competition and allows you to credibly address the issues that people so fear when talking about children competing. I don’t want my kids’(or anyone else’s) spirit to be crushed or grow up believing that they can’t accomplish anything because they were chosen last for kick ball or never won at tug a war or didn’t get the “Best Speller” award in the first grade. I want my kids to be confident and have a high sense of self worth. But I don’t think you teach that by removing competition, you teach that by embracing it. If your kid never loses, how and when do you teach them that they are still good and loved when they lose? How do you teach them that losing in one thing doesn’t mean they can’t be great at something else? How do you teach them how to win without crushing their opponent? How do you teach them to be a good sport? How do you teach them when winning is important and when it is less important than someone’s feelings? You can’t teach those things in a vacuum.
Personally, I think the fear of the bad behavior that comes from competition has encouraged many to take the easy way out. Rather than doing the hard work of helping a child navigate the difficult world he or she is asked to compete in, some choose simply to try to convince the child that the world is different than it really is.
I want my sons to grow up knowing when winning is important and when it isn’t and how to conduct themselves when they win and lose and how to bounce back after failure. Those are not things that can be taught or understood outside a competitive environment and there is no good reason to try.
Second, trying to build someone’s self worth on something other than God is like building yourself a house made of sand on the beach below the tide line at low tide. It’s a flawed idea to begin with and it is only a matter of time before you find out exactly why.
People have worth because they are created and loved by God. We are created in His image to live a life that brings Him glory. Our value and worth are intrinsic and to a large degree independent of what we do except that our natural destiny is to serve and love God and our “value”, or self-worth increases when we commit ourselves to our calling to worship God and love each other.
Otherwise, we are worth no more than cattle or trees. If you take God out of the equation, then people are only worth what they can produce or achieve or become according to our culture’s values. That means, it does matter how attractive you are. It does matter how much money you have. It does matter how smart or athletic you are. And since all of those things are fleeting and sine there is always someone better, stronger, prettier, all of those things will fail you. If you are not beautiful, smart and talented, then you simply are not worth as much in this world as someone who is and no amount of lying to yourself will ever really convince you otherwise. So, to try to teach someone to have a healthy self-esteem without explaining that their value comes from God, is to doom them to a life of false hope, regularly dashed on the shores of reality.
If not for God, I would quickly realize that my thinning hair, my short stature, my intellectual imitations, my many other physical imperfections, mean that I am not as “good” as other people, and no matter how many times I tell myself in the mirror that “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and dogonit, people like me”, deep down I will know that I am just not quite as good as the next guy, or at least I will have that nagging doubt and fear.
With God, I am valuable, and worthwhile “good” in spite of and sometimes because of those imperfections listed above.
God loves me and I love Him. That is my worth. Anything else is a sand castle with the tide coming in.
Comments
Do your best and that is a reward in itself.
And besides, that scarf thing? Yeah, that's just whacked.
children find an outlet for their competitive drives...i vote for healthy environments that sports and academics and similar venues can provide.
i also like the idea that natalya 'suffer' her humanity while she is at home and i can be her shelter and hopefully her refresher. God does this for us..and my goal is to model that for her. if he feels as much pain as i do for all of natalya's pains can bring me..i am humbled.
aside: glad to be back and reading your blog.
Self-esteem is not built by letting everyone win...it is by doing your best.
I rarely win anything and I am not contemplating suicide.