Zero-Sum Game
A quick rant:
Happiness should never be a zero sum game. A “zero sum game” is an exercise where adding something means taking something else away so the sum of the exercise is always zero. It is a political/economic/game theory where one participant’s gain will result in another participant’s loss so that the aggregate gain and loss amounts to zero. Sadly, this concept seems to regularly apply to our relationships and it is something I think we should guard ourselves against.
All of that may sound like nonsense, but I guarantee you have experienced this. Ever known someone who can not stomach someone else’s happiness or success because it makes them feel less happy and successful? Some people act like there is a fixed amount of happiness in the universe so they resent people who find it because it means less for them. This is, of course, not only wrong but destructive. There is nothing like greeting happiness with resentment to reduce the value of your friend’s happiness to zero. That way no on is happy. Is this better?
So, here’s a suggestion for the day or week or whatever. Do your absolute best to wish for and revel in the happiness of others. Let’s say you are a young parent like me and my kid learned to walk at 8 months old (It was more like 20 for our boys), but your kid is almost two and still barely crawling. You might be inclined to be jealous and resentful (well not you, you’re great, but you know, someone), but try to pause and take a different approach. Does my kid’s success make it harder for your kid to walk? Why not just be happy for me and my kid? Or if you and your buddy are trying to lose weight and your buddy eats doughnuts and French fries all day and loses 20 pounds while you work out and eat raw dandelions and gain 5, try to be happy for your friend. After all, if they lose weight it doesn’t make it any harder for you.
We are so competitive in this Country (me more than most), that jealousy and resentment have become first and second nature. We grind our teeth and wince at the success of others, even our friends, because it should be us and it is unfair and unjust….or so we believe. We shouldn’t. It makes us all less likeable when we do that. But it is easier to condemn than to avoid, especially for someone as competitive as me.
That said, it is avoidable. So, this week instead of allowing someone else’s good fortune to remind you of your own failings and make you resentful, simply take the opportunity to celebrate someone else’s success. See someone do something great? Tell them how great you think it is and mean it. See a friend get something you want and don’t have? Tell them how great it is that they have it. Don’t do it through clinched jaw, do it because they are your friend and you should wish them the best.
There is enough happiness to go around. It is not a zero sum game. If someone you know gets theres, just smile, pat them on the back and keep going for yours.
Happiness should never be a zero sum game. A “zero sum game” is an exercise where adding something means taking something else away so the sum of the exercise is always zero. It is a political/economic/game theory where one participant’s gain will result in another participant’s loss so that the aggregate gain and loss amounts to zero. Sadly, this concept seems to regularly apply to our relationships and it is something I think we should guard ourselves against.
All of that may sound like nonsense, but I guarantee you have experienced this. Ever known someone who can not stomach someone else’s happiness or success because it makes them feel less happy and successful? Some people act like there is a fixed amount of happiness in the universe so they resent people who find it because it means less for them. This is, of course, not only wrong but destructive. There is nothing like greeting happiness with resentment to reduce the value of your friend’s happiness to zero. That way no on is happy. Is this better?
So, here’s a suggestion for the day or week or whatever. Do your absolute best to wish for and revel in the happiness of others. Let’s say you are a young parent like me and my kid learned to walk at 8 months old (It was more like 20 for our boys), but your kid is almost two and still barely crawling. You might be inclined to be jealous and resentful (well not you, you’re great, but you know, someone), but try to pause and take a different approach. Does my kid’s success make it harder for your kid to walk? Why not just be happy for me and my kid? Or if you and your buddy are trying to lose weight and your buddy eats doughnuts and French fries all day and loses 20 pounds while you work out and eat raw dandelions and gain 5, try to be happy for your friend. After all, if they lose weight it doesn’t make it any harder for you.
We are so competitive in this Country (me more than most), that jealousy and resentment have become first and second nature. We grind our teeth and wince at the success of others, even our friends, because it should be us and it is unfair and unjust….or so we believe. We shouldn’t. It makes us all less likeable when we do that. But it is easier to condemn than to avoid, especially for someone as competitive as me.
That said, it is avoidable. So, this week instead of allowing someone else’s good fortune to remind you of your own failings and make you resentful, simply take the opportunity to celebrate someone else’s success. See someone do something great? Tell them how great you think it is and mean it. See a friend get something you want and don’t have? Tell them how great it is that they have it. Don’t do it through clinched jaw, do it because they are your friend and you should wish them the best.
There is enough happiness to go around. It is not a zero sum game. If someone you know gets theres, just smile, pat them on the back and keep going for yours.
Comments
What fun is the win without the gloat?
i find the 'one-up' game a difficult impulse to curb when i am feeling insecure in my own blessings. when i am grateful daily, i am better at giving God the glory for the happiness others are experiencing.