StumpTown at the Movies

If you have been thinking recently that you are in desperate need of someone to tell you which movies and new TV shows you should like, this is the blog post for you. I’m going to basically dump my thoughts on some of the movies I have seen most recently and then add a brief review of the new shows I’ve managed to see this year thanks to the beauty and power of the DVR.

Movies

I basically see three categories of movies. 85% of the movies I see are with a group of my guy friends on Sunday nights. We have sort of a men’s movie night where we see movies that likely appeal mostly to men. That means we see a lot of shooting, explosions and slow-motion action shots and are kept current on all the latest and best fart jokes. It also means we don’t see any movie with a woman’s name in the title, no Drew Barrymore or Julia Roberts (is she still alive?) and we also avoid movies that would be better suited for dates with our wives or nights out with the whole family. Roughly 10% of the movies I see are movies that I watch with my 7 year old and my 3 year old. That means I see lots of animals, automobiles and other non-human things talking and generally acting like humans. Then the remaining 5% are movies that I watch by myself or with my wife either at home or at the theater and are pretty much limited to movies I’m inappropriately excited about and drag my wife to the theater for, and random movies we watch at home.

So, why did I tell you all of that? No reason really.

Here are some movies I have seen lately and some brief thoughts on each:

The Kingdom – Ray Charles and Sidney Bristow team up with Michael Bluth to investigate a bombing in Saudi Arabia. The movie is sort of what would happen if someone wrote “US/Mid East Politics for Dummies” and then decided to make it into an action movie…or was it a mystery? Hmmmm…. There is really lots to criticize about this movie from the cliché, preachy political statements to the ho-hum plot which was entirely devoid of twists or naturally occurring drama (meaning the drama came from the action rather than the plot). But the truth is that it wasn’t a bad movie. It just wasn’t a great movie. Some of the fire-fights and action sequences were pretty jarring since they were shot for realism and were pretty dang effective. One particular hand to hand combat scene with Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman and a huge Arab guy whose one fighting move was to lift Garner up and throw her horizontal against the wall (bet that was a fun day for her to shoot), was particularly gut wrenching. The look of the movie was right. The acting was passable if a bit flat. The story was just so-so, but the action kept the movie entertaining and while it no-doubt sounds like I’m pretty down on it, it was an entertaining night at the movies. Maybe more rental quality, but overall not disappointing. I do have to say though, that I’m glad to see Jason Bateman getting some run after the disappointing but predictable early demise of Arrested Development. He sort of does a less annoying version of Chandler Bing from Friends and is pretty underrated I think.

Shoot ‘Em Up – Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti and Monica Bellucci (why doesn’t she get more work exactly? Can we sign some kind of petition to get her a new agent or something?) headline this action movie. The title is the sort of “calls it like it sees it” gimmick that either leaves you with the next “Desperado” (a classic) or a warning that this movie is going to be terrible because the people who named it were not creative enough to think of a real movie title. Sadly, this movie fell into the latter category. To be honest, I’m still shocked it was so bad. I mean, really bad. Dung heaps on landfills thinks this movie stinks. But Owen seems to be a star on the rise that wouldn’t have to be in a movie like this. Giamatti seems like the kind of actor’s actor that would avoid this kind of junk. Alas, they instead chose to combine forces to lure me into seeing one of the worst things (not just movies, but all things) I have ever seen in my life. It would take Homer or Shakespeare to craft words that could describe how bad this movie is, so I won’t try. Just do not see this movie. Not out of curiosity, not just because there was nothing else at the video store, not for any reason. Please, I’m begging you, do not see this movie. Honor the loss of those 2 hours from my life by staying away. It is not cool. It is not funny (intentionally anyway) and is not pleasant to watch in any sense. I really can not say this enough. Since seeing the movie Transformers earlier this summer I have begun using it as the low water mark for movies. When talking the guys into seeing Shoot ‘Em Up with me, I told them, “I don’t know a lot about this movie, but hey it will be better than Transformers.” This movie made a liar out of me. If you like any of these actors, or you are not filled with violent self-loathing, just don’t see this movie. Ok, that’s all.

Balls of Fury – This is a movie with Christopher Walken about the seedy and often violent world of illegal, underground ping pong. How can that not be funny? I mean, read that again and tell me how that movie avoids being funny. Well it found a way. If someone had just stood in an empty room and spoken that first sentence to describe the movie and they recorded it on film it would be funnier than Balls of Fury. It wasn’t horrific like Shoot ‘Em Up was, but it was not funny…at all. I mean if you think Asian-American accents are hilarious even when the people speaking with those accents are not saying anything remotely funny, maybe you will disagree with me on this one, but the jokes don’t work in this movie and then you just have a movie about a fat guy who is kind of good at ping-pong. If you want to watch that, just go to some college rec center and sit there for a couple hours. What you would see there, regardless of what it was, would be funnier than this movie.

3:10 to Yuma – Maximus and Batman together in a Western. That made this one a can’t miss right? I mean, every movie I see this summer can’t be the cinematic equivalent of an ice pick to the gums can it? Mercifully, no. This was actually a very good movie. In fact, unless you really dislike westerns, there is no good excuse for not watching this one. It’s not terribly deep or complex, but it is well acted and well made and squeezes everything it can out of every scene. I really enjoyed this one, especially since the other movies I had been watching were so awful.

Superbad – You did not hear this from me, but this movie was funny. That is all I can say about it without either getting myself in trouble or feeling like I have to flog myself out of misguided religious guilt. It is vulgar and juvenile and senseless and ridiculous and funny. But you didn’t hear that from me.

Stardust – Described as an adult fairytale, this was a good date movie with my wife (and not surprisingly the date was better than the movie). The movie, though, was actually pretty good. Something was missing that kept it from being really good and it is tough to pinpoint, but it was pretty good. It was no Princess Bride, but I appreciated getting to see a movie that wasn’t either a sequel or just trying to prey off of some established genre. Worth a rental, certainly.

The Bourne Ultimatum – This was the third Bourne movie based on the books with the same titles. I thought the first one was a fantastic action movie with some of the best car chase and hand to hand combat scenes I have seen. The second one was an ever so slight step backward from the first, but still excellent. This movie, might have been the best of the three. Even though I liked the other two, they did not immediately become my favorite movies or anything, but with the third one adding to an already strong pair of movies, this has to be talked about among the best movie trilogies ever made. It is not on par with Godfather, Lord of the Rings, the Matrix or the first 3 Star Wars movies, but it is in the next tier with Indiana Jones (if you pretend 2 never happened) and the X-Men movies.

The Simpsons Movie – I have to qualify by saying that I am not a huge fan of the TV show. I have watched it some and it usually makes me laugh. I don’t dislike it, but it has never fully sucked me in. I wouldn’t go out of my way for it, but it is fine. The movie, though was better than I expected. Very smart at being stupid. It was a short, fun, really enjoyable movie written by some people who are clever enough to make stupidity original and smartly funny.

I Know Who Killed Me – This movie starred Lindsay Lohan and if I had really seen it there would have been 3 people who did. But of course I didn’t, c’mon. Give me some credit. What is the fascination with her about anyway? Not particularly talented and not particularly pretty and very, very messed up. What am I missing here? Never mind. Don’t tell me. It could make me think less of you.

Ok, so those are the movies I remember seeing at the theater this summer post Transformers. Transformers was so bad it scarred my brain and keeps me from remembering anything that happened before seeing that awful movie.
At some point, I also saw Fracture on video which is a small mystery with Anthony Hopkins that is worth checking out.

I’m still looking forward to seeing:

Eastern Promises (from the folks who made the very good (but very adult) “History of Violence.”

Michael Clayton (I’m sure big lawfirms would never do such things)

We Own the Night (lame title, but I love Joaquin and that looks like Scarface meets “The Departed” and I won’t miss that)

American Gangster (Crow, Washington, organized crime, released for Oscar buzz, there is roughly 100% chance I will see this movie more than once)

Ok, that was long enough. I’ll make the TV reviews a separate post.