Home Improvement

Dear Blog Reader,

My humblest apologies for my prolonged absence, but I made myself a promise when I started this blog. That is, I promised myself that I wouldn’t turn it in to another responsibility in a life with about 8 too many as it is. I committed to myself that I would only blog when I felt like it and I wouldn’t feel guilty when I didn’t. Turns out, I’m only keeping the first half of that promise as I can’t manage to avoid feeling bad when I haven’t updated this silly blog, but I guess that personality trait may explain some of why I feel like I’m a bit over-laden with responsibility.

Today’s update is to announce my embarking on a terrifying, but necessary project to repair the aged and neglected deck surrounding my house. Mixed in with some Summer fun with the crew pictured here, I will be spending the rest of the summer working on my deck.

With any luck, I will keep you posted on the deck project at this blog if for no other reason than it is sure to produce comical stories that will be funny to everyone other than me.

I live in a medium sized house with a rather large deck. Our house is on the side of a hill so it is a daylight basement sort of arrangement (like many NW homes), with the main living area on the street level and the downstairs leading out into the back yard. We have a deck on the street level that goes around the entire house. In the back, it is about 18 feet off the ground with another deck below it at yard level.

The previous builders of this house/deck clearly held these truths to be self-evident and sacred:

1. A house should have a deck sufficiently large to hold the entire USC marching band.

2. Any deck more than 4 feet off the ground should have a railing that not only allows toddlers to pass easily through it, but actually invites them do so.

3. Treated lumber or weather protecting paint is for sissies

4. Building a large deck and building a one room log cabin made of tinker toys requires the same level of craftsmanship.

5. Walking the stairs from an upper deck to a lower deck should be an adventure not unlike crossing that old wooden bridge that gave out on Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner in Romancing the Stone.

This deck building philosophy when combined with the previous owners’ belief that there is nothing wrong with a deck that a whole bunch of termites and carpenter ants can’t fix, has left our deck in ill-repair. It is still standing and will still support my weight, but it is long overdue for a facelift and that little nugget of home-repair delight will be my project for the rest of the summer and beyond.

The game plan is to take the project in stages as follows:

Step 1: Deny there is anything wrong with the deck
Step2: Fail to convince wife there is nothing wrong with the deck
Step 3: Stare at the deck for extended periods hoping that your focused energy will draw a lightening strike that will destroy the entire deck in a manner that is covered by home owners insurance.
Step 4: Go to building expert father-in-law to get a plan that is more likely to lead to a repaired deck than Step 3.
Step 5: Inspect the Deck to locate and identify all lumber that needs to be replaced and then mark the 4 small boards that don’t.
Step 6: Locate jacks that will allow me to lift the upper deck (18 feet off the ground) enough to remove large dry-rotted beams that appear to weigh approximately as much as Al Capone’s steel reinforced limousine.
Step 7: Add up all lumber and hardware needed to complete project and then marvel at how some boards and screws could cost roughly the same as an NFL Quarterback’s signing bonus.
Step 8: Jack up the deck, pop out the beams, put in the new beams, replace a few of the joists, lay down some new top boards, pat self on back for good work and take the rest of the morning off.

And, it’s as simple as that. Stay tuned. Should be exciting. We’ll set the over under on number of bones broken when I cause the deck to collapse on myself at 14 and adjust that number as the project progresses. Then, as my youngest brother was good enough to point out, when I get done doing all that work I will really just have what I already have with the knowledge that it might be safer assuming I haven’t actually made it more dangerous.

So, maybe you’re asking yourself, if I think this is such a big project, why don’t I just hire someone else to do it? I mean, after all I am some big fancy lawyer with money to burn right? Ignoring that hopelessly flawed premise for a moment, let me tell you why I’m doing this myself. When I first undertook to do this work, I got a pro to come give me a bid on what it would take to replace the whole thing, top and bottom. What would you guess? $5,000? $10,000? As much as $25,000? Surely not. That would be outrageous. I mean, it is just a wooden platform for crying out loud.

Try $96,000.00!!! So, basically, according to this professional deck builder, I bought a deck that just happened to have a house attached instead of the other way around.

So, hopefully, by the end of the summer, I will have no permanent injuries, and will be the proud owner of a safer, nicer looking deck that cost me slightly less than $96,000.

Keep me in your prayers.