A Travel Guide
I travel a fair amount. No more than most and less than many, but it has given me time to observe and reflect on various aspects of travel. So, periodically I will post some of my observations and travel experiences to this site so that you may benefit from my time on the road, in the air and on the rail.
Is that for my benefit?
I ride Portland's MAX light rail train nearly every working day. It has provided me with a tremendous amount of insight into humanity which include things like: people are smelly as well as the following:
There is always at least one person who believes that everyone should hear what they have to say even as they prop up the pretense that they are having a "private" conversation with another person. This often leaves me asking, "is this conversation for my benefit, because if it is, I want my money back." As with most of my travel observations, if you don't know what I'm talking about, there is a pretty good chance I'm talking about you. This "stage talker", so named because they project their conversation as if standing on an invisible stage performing in the worst play in human history, generally takes two forms.
First, there is the stage talker, cell phone variety. Most people do not feel the need to shout at the other person involved in their cell phone conversations. I often see people nearby talking on the phone and making very little noise at all. So, I know it can be done. However, a stage talker looks at every cell conversation as an opportunity to tell the world around him or her how important they are because after all, they need to talk on the phone right now eventhough they are only a few feet away from dozens of strangers. It can not wait for privacy, it has to be now. And it has to be loud. Many cell stage talkers take it up a notch by nodding and winking at those around them after they offer some particularly poignant thought to that mysterious urgent listener on the other end. What is universally clear, however, is that this conversation is vital and must be heard by all. For example, I overheard this conversation on a recent commute home on MAX:
STC (Stage Talker Cell) - Hey man, sup?
Pause
STC - On MAX. It's hecka hot up in here (knowing nod in my direction)
Knowing nod is returned with piercing glare as I ponder how much money I would pay to learn how to do that Vulcan shoulder pinch that knocks you immediately unconscious. The answer: $8,500.
STC - So, check it. This F'n B was all up in my grill and was like "you betta come wit da funds or your A is mine. (editorial note: He wasn't really speaking with letters, but this is a family show...you get the idea). And I was like "whateva" because I don't have time for her drama.
Please understand that this conversation could be heard for roughly 12 miles in any direction and actually disturbed some of the animals at the zoo even before we passed through the tunnel under the zoo. At this point the young mother with 3 hot, bored, sweaty children all of whom were fascinated by a game I think they must call "wipe my snot on this nice man's suit", is glaring at the STC with a look that could only mean "I hope that cell phone is giving you a tumor for swearing in front of my kids."
STC - Dude, you goin out tonight? It'll be tight, I'm seriou...(entering tunnel)...hello? Dude? You there? can you hear me? hello? hello? hello? hello? hello? dude? dude? dude hello? (repeat for another 5 minutes)
Me, in an effort to keep my head from exploding - I think you've lost the signal. Most phones don't really work this far underground. Perhaps if you just keep yelling like a maniac as if we all cared a lick what you were saying, the person on the other end of your call, who could not wait to hear the sound of your voice, could just hear you without the phone and you could continue telling him how "tight" his evening with you could be.
Ok, I made that last part up, but I am an unwilling participant in at least 2 STC conversations every time I step on MAX. Either keep your voice down or don't get on the phone. At very least, don't nod or wink at me as if you are amusing me with this behavior. I will never nod back and point at you with the hand-in-the-shape-of-a-gun point than I know you long so badly to see.
The other variety of stage talker is the duet. For some reason stage talkers are able to find each other and when they are not taking important cell phone calls, they are stalking me so they can ride MAX with me. This variety boasts the same loud voice, but is limited to one of two conversations. First, some horrible discussion of how drunk they were last night or how hot the "dude" or "chick" was they went out with.
As an aside, I could probably write an entire treatise (and might someday) about how annoying it is to hear other people talk about how much they drink. If you are someone who finds themselves telling others what you had to drink, how much you drank, or how sick it made you, or exactly how intoxicated you were, know this -- the people you are telling don't care. Moreover, everyone you tell is secretly wishing they themselves were bombed out of their mind to take the edge off having to listen to more stories about how you were "soooooooooooo drunk." Just trust me on this one.
The second possible conversation for the STD (stage talker duet...yes I know that can mean other things, get your mind out of the gutter) is one of the STDs telling the other one how smart/good/wicked/awesome/tight/etc. they are by either openly bragging about something boast-worthy like "I don't know it's just like I have this talent for knowing exactly what everyone is thinking," or by demonstrating their awesomeness by imparting vast knowledge, usually about gripping topics such as the novel Dune, computer hacking, how to spot a fake Louis Vaton bag and my personal favorite -- the law.
This last one is my favorite, because before becoming an attorney I would never have guessed how many people believe themselves to be legal experts while knowing nothing about the law whatsoever, and by "people" I mean the loud ones on the MAX train. For example, here is another ST conversation I heard the other day between two women:
ST1 - They can not treat you like that, you could totally sue.
ST2 - Yeah probably
ST1 - Totally. My friend Jasmine got fired for smoking pot in the bathroom at work and I was all like "they can't fire you for what you do in the bathroom. Haven't they ever heard of the right for privacy?" Now she's gunna sue them and probably get like $50,000 'cause people can't just tell you what to do, especially in the bathroom, I mean duh!!!!
ST2 - Yeah, if I wasn't so busy yelling into my cell phone on MAX everyday, I would totally sue.
Ok, again I made that last part up, but otherwise this was a real conversation. Just in case you are not clear:
1. You can get fired for smoking pot at work...even in the bathroom
2. Your employer can limit your activities even while in the bathroom...though they'd usually rather not think about it.
3. People, especially your boss, can tell you what to do and should if you think it's ok to smoke pot at work.
4. There is no such thing as the "right for privacy". There is arguably a right "of" privacy and possibly a right "to" privacy, but not a right "for" privacy.
Anyway, I'm not antisocial or anything. Traveling is almost always better with someone to talk to and it can even be made better by striking up a conversation with a stranger riding with you. But don't make others your unwilling participants in your little life drama on the phone or with your buddy. If you are not talking to a person, that person shouldn't have to cover his ears to avoid hearing you.
More later.
Is that for my benefit?
I ride Portland's MAX light rail train nearly every working day. It has provided me with a tremendous amount of insight into humanity which include things like: people are smelly as well as the following:
There is always at least one person who believes that everyone should hear what they have to say even as they prop up the pretense that they are having a "private" conversation with another person. This often leaves me asking, "is this conversation for my benefit, because if it is, I want my money back." As with most of my travel observations, if you don't know what I'm talking about, there is a pretty good chance I'm talking about you. This "stage talker", so named because they project their conversation as if standing on an invisible stage performing in the worst play in human history, generally takes two forms.
First, there is the stage talker, cell phone variety. Most people do not feel the need to shout at the other person involved in their cell phone conversations. I often see people nearby talking on the phone and making very little noise at all. So, I know it can be done. However, a stage talker looks at every cell conversation as an opportunity to tell the world around him or her how important they are because after all, they need to talk on the phone right now eventhough they are only a few feet away from dozens of strangers. It can not wait for privacy, it has to be now. And it has to be loud. Many cell stage talkers take it up a notch by nodding and winking at those around them after they offer some particularly poignant thought to that mysterious urgent listener on the other end. What is universally clear, however, is that this conversation is vital and must be heard by all. For example, I overheard this conversation on a recent commute home on MAX:
STC (Stage Talker Cell) - Hey man, sup?
Pause
STC - On MAX. It's hecka hot up in here (knowing nod in my direction)
Knowing nod is returned with piercing glare as I ponder how much money I would pay to learn how to do that Vulcan shoulder pinch that knocks you immediately unconscious. The answer: $8,500.
STC - So, check it. This F'n B was all up in my grill and was like "you betta come wit da funds or your A is mine. (editorial note: He wasn't really speaking with letters, but this is a family show...you get the idea). And I was like "whateva" because I don't have time for her drama.
Please understand that this conversation could be heard for roughly 12 miles in any direction and actually disturbed some of the animals at the zoo even before we passed through the tunnel under the zoo. At this point the young mother with 3 hot, bored, sweaty children all of whom were fascinated by a game I think they must call "wipe my snot on this nice man's suit", is glaring at the STC with a look that could only mean "I hope that cell phone is giving you a tumor for swearing in front of my kids."
STC - Dude, you goin out tonight? It'll be tight, I'm seriou...(entering tunnel)...hello? Dude? You there? can you hear me? hello? hello? hello? hello? hello? dude? dude? dude hello? (repeat for another 5 minutes)
Me, in an effort to keep my head from exploding - I think you've lost the signal. Most phones don't really work this far underground. Perhaps if you just keep yelling like a maniac as if we all cared a lick what you were saying, the person on the other end of your call, who could not wait to hear the sound of your voice, could just hear you without the phone and you could continue telling him how "tight" his evening with you could be.
Ok, I made that last part up, but I am an unwilling participant in at least 2 STC conversations every time I step on MAX. Either keep your voice down or don't get on the phone. At very least, don't nod or wink at me as if you are amusing me with this behavior. I will never nod back and point at you with the hand-in-the-shape-of-a-gun point than I know you long so badly to see.
The other variety of stage talker is the duet. For some reason stage talkers are able to find each other and when they are not taking important cell phone calls, they are stalking me so they can ride MAX with me. This variety boasts the same loud voice, but is limited to one of two conversations. First, some horrible discussion of how drunk they were last night or how hot the "dude" or "chick" was they went out with.
As an aside, I could probably write an entire treatise (and might someday) about how annoying it is to hear other people talk about how much they drink. If you are someone who finds themselves telling others what you had to drink, how much you drank, or how sick it made you, or exactly how intoxicated you were, know this -- the people you are telling don't care. Moreover, everyone you tell is secretly wishing they themselves were bombed out of their mind to take the edge off having to listen to more stories about how you were "soooooooooooo drunk." Just trust me on this one.
The second possible conversation for the STD (stage talker duet...yes I know that can mean other things, get your mind out of the gutter) is one of the STDs telling the other one how smart/good/wicked/awesome/tight/etc. they are by either openly bragging about something boast-worthy like "I don't know it's just like I have this talent for knowing exactly what everyone is thinking," or by demonstrating their awesomeness by imparting vast knowledge, usually about gripping topics such as the novel Dune, computer hacking, how to spot a fake Louis Vaton bag and my personal favorite -- the law.
This last one is my favorite, because before becoming an attorney I would never have guessed how many people believe themselves to be legal experts while knowing nothing about the law whatsoever, and by "people" I mean the loud ones on the MAX train. For example, here is another ST conversation I heard the other day between two women:
ST1 - They can not treat you like that, you could totally sue.
ST2 - Yeah probably
ST1 - Totally. My friend Jasmine got fired for smoking pot in the bathroom at work and I was all like "they can't fire you for what you do in the bathroom. Haven't they ever heard of the right for privacy?" Now she's gunna sue them and probably get like $50,000 'cause people can't just tell you what to do, especially in the bathroom, I mean duh!!!!
ST2 - Yeah, if I wasn't so busy yelling into my cell phone on MAX everyday, I would totally sue.
Ok, again I made that last part up, but otherwise this was a real conversation. Just in case you are not clear:
1. You can get fired for smoking pot at work...even in the bathroom
2. Your employer can limit your activities even while in the bathroom...though they'd usually rather not think about it.
3. People, especially your boss, can tell you what to do and should if you think it's ok to smoke pot at work.
4. There is no such thing as the "right for privacy". There is arguably a right "of" privacy and possibly a right "to" privacy, but not a right "for" privacy.
Anyway, I'm not antisocial or anything. Traveling is almost always better with someone to talk to and it can even be made better by striking up a conversation with a stranger riding with you. But don't make others your unwilling participants in your little life drama on the phone or with your buddy. If you are not talking to a person, that person shouldn't have to cover his ears to avoid hearing you.
More later.
Comments
Seriously, I am reminded of Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion and wonder if there isn't a service (or a ministry) that could focus on teaching people how to have respectable conversations. Conversations that won't alienate them in most social situations, make cops suspicious of their activities, or condemn them to a life that they describe to others in these cell phone conversations on the MAX train.